my personal rants and monologues!

i use this to write random things i want to write about: either personal experiences or just subjects that don't neatly fit into any category. below you'll find posts relating to myself, personal experiences, and all the rest. about interests i like philosophy, art, politics (specially from a more aesthetics perspective), music, culture and (a recent development) motorcycles! i'm a post leftist, my fav philosoper is foucault and i really like slowcore and post rock. i also attempt to have some kind of style and be fashion conscious, so many people i meet call me alt, although i'm not really a part of any subculture except maybe identifying myself with the now dead no wave. so yeah that's a short explanation.

metathought

in recent times i have found myself thinking about my main thinking while i main think. to put it in easier terms i have one loud voice in my head and it's blabbing about something (normally happens when it's blabbing about something that concerns my identity or behaviour) and for some reason there's a much quieter voice that questions every aspect of my thought, normally doubting whether i am performing my inner thought or whether i am pretending i am certain in what i am saying or if that's the real me. and it's not retrospective, it litterally happens simultaneously and i cannot for the life of me shut it up. all it's concerns fool me every time and i have to eventually ignore it's concerns in hopes i do not fall into making my main thought doubting, and then having the other voice question the way i'm interrogating or going about thinking through it all.

this may be related to dpdr and just to put in perspective how often it just questions, it's doing it right now and i am ignoring it as hard as i can. i genuinely cannot make it stop in any scenario, it's what makes me sleep later than i want, it's still there while riding, listening to music, getting off on something, watching a film, drinking anything, it's so intrusive but it also feels so valid so i do not know if that's the real me snooping in to check on false me and give me some hints, or something. i wanna know if this is normal so if you pass by the book please tell me.